


Married at First Sight

by Sohotthateveryonedied



Category: Batman (Comics), Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fake Marriage, Barbara Gordon is Batgirl, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, F/M, Humor, Secret Identities, YEAH I SAID IT, as in the reality show, married at first sight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:54:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25746961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied
Summary: Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon end up as contestants onMarried at First Sight: Gotham Editionand have to "marry" each other, both with no idea that the other is actually the vigilante they've been protecting Gotham with every night for the past decade.
Relationships: Barbara Gordon/Dick Grayson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 153





	Married at First Sight

**Author's Note:**

> Commissioned by my wonderful friend Kryptonianmenace!!! <3

“Good evening, Gotham,” says Vicki Vale, giving the camera a blinding white smile. “I’m here tonight with everyone’s _favorite_ Wayne boy, Dick Grayson.” She gestures to Dick sitting on the sofa across from her.   
  
Dick tries to exude the confident Wayne persona that every Gotham citizen has come to know and love, but it’s so damn _difficult_ under all these lights. With bats being nocturnal and all, bright places make Dick drowsy. Not to mention being interviewed under the guise of celebrity gossip that is really just a dressed-up public interrogation. Still, he summons his most charming grin—the one that makes men and women alike swoon like they’re standing on butter.  
  
“Thanks for having me, Vicki.”  
  
Vicki crosses her legs and folds her hands over her knees. Right to business, then. “So, Dick, what do you have to say about the rumors that you’re going to be the celebrity guest on this season of _Married at First Sight: Gotham Edition_ with some lucky contestant? It’s all anyone has been able to talk about.”  
  
Dick doesn’t waver under her serpent-like gaze. “Yep, I can confirm that those rumors are true.” He waits for the audience to cease with their gasps and applause. Is this what Katniss Everdeen felt like? “I lost a bet with one of my siblings—who will not be named—and the loser had to nominate themselves for the show, so here I am.”  
  
In his defense, he had no idea Jason was so good at Battleship.  
  
“And how are we feeling about this?” Vicki asks. “Do you have hopes it will go anywhere? Or are you a no-strings-attached playboy like your dad?” That’s a trap if Dick ever saw one. As annoying as Vicki is, no one can ever say she isn’t good at her job.  
  
He shrugs. “It goes how it goes, I guess. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find my soulmate in this little experiment. Maybe nothing will happen and everyone will forget about it a year from now. As of this moment, I see the whole thing as a fun challenge.” That’s a safe answer. And it’s not even a complete lie.  
  
“Well, you heard it here first, folks,” Vicki says, turning back to the camera. “Our little Dick Grayson is officially off the market.” She pouts, like that’s some real pity to herself personally.  
  
“We’ll see,” is all Dick says.   
  
It’s only six months, right? That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. Dick can do this little publicity stunt, try and project a good image for the Waynes, and get out with minimal damage. No biggie.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **_Married at First Sight: Gotham Edition_ ** **_  
_** **_Day 0_ ** **_  
_** **_08:51 AM_ ** _  
_ _  
_ **_Interviewer:_ ** _Mr. Wayne, how do you feel about your adopted son participating in this project?_ _  
_ _  
_ **_Bruce Wayne:_ ** _I think we can all agree that even if I did have an issue with Dick being on the show, it wouldn’t change a thing. Dick marches to his own drum, always has._ _  
_ _  
_ **_Interview:_ ** _So does that mean you believe the marriage will work out?_ _  
_ _  
_ **_Bruce Wayne:_ ** _God, no. You can’t just put two strangers together and expect them to live happily ever after. If that were the case, I would have been married and cured of my chronic depression by now. [awkward laugh] [long silence] You can cut that out in editing, right?_ _  
_   
  


* * *

  
  
**Four Months Later** **  
****  
**  
Batman and Robin may be the most iconic duo in Gotham history, but Dick will take Nightwing and Batgirl over the tired Batman and Robin schtick every single time. As little as he knows about her beneath the mask, Batgirl will always be one of his favorite people in the world. They go together perfectly, like caramel and sea salt. Like grilled cheese and bacon. Like that bee and Freddie’s mom from _iCarly._   
  
Like Jason and crashing any situation that doesn’t involve him.   
  
“You know,” Jay says, not nearly muffled enough under his helmet. “I heard from a friend of a friend of a second cousin that you’re legally required to draw on someone’s face when they fall asleep during a stakeout. It’s the law in New Jersey.”   
  
“You’re hilarious.” Dick lifts his binoculars, peering through at the window fifty feet ahead of them. “And it’s been over three hours now. I don’t think our guy is showing.” So much for crippling the second largest branch of this gang tonight. What’s with gang leaders and letting down vigilantes who want to throw their asses in jail? So rude.   
  
Batgirl stands, shaking out her stiff limbs. “Thank _god._ My legs were starting to go numb.”   
  
“We can pick this up again tomorrow night,” Dick says. “And if he still doesn’t show, we can rework it and track him down some other way.”   
  
“Sounds like a plan.” She shakes out her hair—red, almost identical to Barbara’s. Maybe there is some actual merit to what Wally said about his redhead addiction.   
  
“Want to stop a mugging or two?” Dick asks after checking the time. “We’ve still got an hour before sunrise and I’m itching for some action.”   
  
Jason throws a heavy arm around his shoulder. “Don’t you have a wife to get home to, big guy? Don’t want to keep her waiting.” He pokes Dick in the side.   
  
“You’re married?” Batgirl asks, eyes wide behind her cowl.   
  
Shit. “Um. Kind of.”   
  
“Kind of? How do you ‘kind of’ get married to someone? Either you are or you aren’t.”   
  
“Yes, I’m married. It’s a recent thing.”   
  
“Wow.” She looks stricken by the admission, but she recovers quickly. “I mean, me too. Married, that is. I’ve got a husband back home.”   
  
Dick feels his eyebrows creep toward his hairline. “Oh. That’s...cool. Congratulations.”   
  
“Yup.” Batgirl rocks on her heels, hands clutched behind her back. “Super cool. Married life is great.” Is he imagining the disappointment in her voice? He must be.   
  
Jason lets out a deep breath. _“Wow,_ this is uncomfortable. I’m gonna head out and find some action. See you lovebirds tomorrow.” He gives Batgirl finger guns before turning and leaping from the rooftop, shooting off a grapple line. He’s gone in seconds.   
  
_And then there were two._ “So,” Dick says, scratching the back of his neck. “Who’s the lucky guy?”   
  
“Secrets, secrets, Wonder Boy. Don’t tell me you forgot how secret identities work.” Batgirl takes out her own grapple with a wry smile. “Now, do we have a mugging date or what?”   
  
Dick grins.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**_Married at First Sight: Gotham Edition_ ** **  
****_Day 130_ ** **_  
_** **_14:17 PM_ ** **  
****  
****_Jason Todd:_ ** _I thought Bruce told you people not to interview me. I distinctly remember watching the old man rant for five minutes to one of your producers that I don’t like being interrogated._ _  
_ _  
_ **_Interview:_ ** _We were just wondering if you have any thoughts or opinions on your brother and Barbara Gordon._ _  
_ _  
_ **_Jason Todd:_ ** _Yeah, I’ve got a couple opinions. [pauses to smoke a cigarette] For one thing, I think reality shows are TLC’s excuse to manipulate human beings and turn them into mentally-hijacked puppets for the use of your own entertainment. I think that at least half of your cameramen have a voyeurism fetish, and I’m positive that if I were to say f*** right now, you’d blur it out and put in one of those annoying f****** beep noises instead. How am I doing so far?_ _  
_ _  
_ **_Interview:_ ** _Do you...have any comments about the marriage?_ _  
_ _  
_ **_Jason Todd:_ ** _Yes, in fact, I do. My favorite new sister-in-law wanted a red velvet cake for her wedding and I have video footage of you bribing the bakery to “accidentally” make a lemon one instead for the extra drama or some s***. And for that, I’m gonna put poison oak in your f****** hand lotion tonight, you *** ******* ******* piece of ****._ _  
_ _  
  
_

* * *

  
  
Barbara doesn’t know why she signed up for this stupid marriage thing in the first place.   
  
Okay, that’s a fib. She knows exactly why she did it. She needed a subject for her senior thesis before grad school, and this was the only thing she could think of that wouldn’t interfere with her vigilante duties. What a joke that was.   
  
To be fair, she’s known Nightwing since his Robin days which is _far_ longer than she’s known Dick Grayson, so he already has dibs on her affections. That doesn’t make this any easier, though.   
  
She wakes up in the morning to find Dick already gone, his side of the bed lacking all warmth. Weird, since he wasn’t here when she got to bed after patrol last night either. He says that his hours at the police department are pretty crazy, which explains a lot, but Jesus, does the man ever _sleep?_   
  
Barbara goes through her morning routine, shaking out the crick in her neck. Stakeouts truly are a hell of their own. She makes herself some eggs and, when she hears what must be Dick in the shower, she scrambles a couple for him as well. She’s well into a Huffington Post article on her tablet when Dick comes into the kitchen, running a towel over his wet hair. His bare chest is damp.   
  
“Morning,” he says. Then he sees the plate of eggs set out for him. “Ah, sorry. If I knew you were up I could have made breakfast.”   
  
“Don’t worry about it.” Barbara watches over the lip of her mug as he slumps into the chair across from her, wincing a bit. “You okay?”   
  
“Yeah. Just...the toll of being a cop. You know how it is. What about you?” He nods to a bruise on her arm—fresh and purple, yellowing at the edges.   
  
“Knocked it on a shelf in the middle of the night.”   
  
Even after four months of so-called marriage, she doesn’t know what to make of Dick Grayson. He keeps his secrets close to his chest, locked in a tight grip. It takes some real digging to reach the deep stuff, and even then she feels like she’s missing something.   
  
At least Barbara isn’t alone in her musings. She knows that Dick suspects she’s not going to a book club every night, but he doesn’t press her about it. So, stalemate it is.   
  
What a pair they make.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**_Married at First Sight: Gotham Edition_ ** **_  
_** **_Day 137_ ** **_  
_** **_11:45 AM_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_Interviewer:_ ** _How do you like Barbara so far?_ _  
_ _  
_ **_Cassandra Wayne:_ ** _[silence]_ _  
_ _  
_ **_Interviewer:_ ** _Do you think the marriage will last?_ _  
_ _  
_ **_Cassandra Wayne:_ ** _[silence]_ _  
_ _  
_ **_Interviewer:_ ** _If you had to change one thing about your brother or his wife, what would it be?_ _  
_ _  
_ **_Cassandra Wayne:_ ** _[silence]_ **_  
_** **_  
_** **_Interviewer:_ ** _[looks over the camera at someone off-screen] Can we cut?_ _  
_   
  


* * *

  
  
“Barbara is _definitely_ onto me.” Dick slumps over the manor’s kitchen table with a bowl of ice cream, courtesy of Alfred.   
  
“Can’t imagine why,” Tim says. “It’s not like you two share an apartment or anything. Oh, wait.” He shoots Dick a look.   
  
“Will you hold still?” Steph gripes, grabbing Tim’s chin and turning him back to face her. She’s got a comb in one hand and a can of hairspray tucked into the big front pocket of her sweatshirt. Tim sits on the counter while she does his hair, combing back his bangs into something resembling a coiffed style.   
  
“I think you should just tell her the truth,” Steph says. “She seems like she’d be cool with it. And isn’t her dad the commissioner? It’s like she was meant to be a part of this weird family.”   
  
“What if it’s a deal breaker for her?” Dick asks around a mouthful of hot fudge. “I don’t want to ruin this thing only four months in.”   
  
Tim’s eyebrows furrow. “Well, this isn’t like...a real marriage, right? It’s just for TV. So, theoretically, if you keep the secret for a little longer, it won’t matter because you’ll already be finished. No harm done.”   
  
“Yeah,” Dick concedes, “but...I don’t know. I kind of like her.”   
  
Steph laughs. “For real? Like, elementary school crush-style? You _like-_ like her?”   
  
Dick’s cheeks burn. “You don’t?”   
  
“Oh, I definitely do. But you’re the one who married her instead of just getting drunk at a gala like normal celebrities do when they want publicity.”   
  
“The problem is I have no idea if she likes me back, or if she’s just pretending to for the sake of the cameras. And if she _does_ like me back, then that means I’ll have to tell her I’m Nightwing or else it’ll risk everything.”   
  
“Wow,” Tim says. “You having a crush on your wife is not a problem I could have predicted if you gave me a million years.” He yelps when Steph tugs too hard on his hair. _“Ow._ Are you finished yet?”   
  
“Hey, be grateful,” she tells him. “If Alfred did it, your hair would look like Dick’s did in middle school.” For the record, _everyone_ at Gotham Academy gelled their hair back in those days.   
  
“Why is Steph doing your hair?” Dick asks, pointing with his spoon.   
  
“Camera crew’s coming by later for those dumb family interviews.” Tim smirks. “I think I’m going to tell them that you secretly married a supermodel two years ago and have to get the marriage annulled before Barbara finds out.”   
  
_“Why?”_   
  
Tim shrugs. “For the plot.”   
  
“You’re the worst.”   
  
“Thank you.”   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**_Married at First Sight: Gotham Edition_ ** **_  
_** **_Day 142_ ** **_  
_** **_17:33 EST_ ** **  
****_  
_** **_Interviewer:_ ** _What do you have to say about the rumors suggesting that your family is secretly a coven of vampires seeking to drain Barbara Gordon’s blood and convert her into vampirism?_ _  
_ _  
_ **_Tim Drake-Wayne:_ ** _Those rumors are absolutely true and I can give you thirty-seven reasons why. [takes out a thick binder] Number one: Bruce’s entire “casual wear” closet is composed of shirts from the eighties. Coincidence? I think not._   
  
  


* * *

  
  
Barbara climbs in through the bedroom window, careful not to twinge her shoulder wound. It was a loose bullet, courtesy of one of Two Face’s lackeys. It isn’t the worst hit she’s ever taken, but she has no _idea_ how she is going to explain this one to Dick. It’s bad enough she’s coming home after midnight with no alibi, thanks to Nightwing calling her for a short-notice bank robbery that Batman couldn’t get off his leather-caped ass to take care of.   
  
She turns on the light, pulling off her mask with a sigh. Then she freezes.   
  
Dick is standing in the middle of the bedroom, blue eyes wide and body freeze-framed with half of his torso bare. The other half brandishes a bright blue Nightwing insignia.   
  
Dick, who told her he was going out with Wally tonight. Dick, who is wearing the very costume Batgirl has been patrolling Gotham with for years. Dick, who is Nightwing.   
  
“Babs,” he blurts, looking like a fish trapped in gelatin. “I. This is. Um.” His eyes sweep over her costume, over the cowl in her hand. “Hi.”   
  
There are so many things she could say right now:   
  
_I can explain all of this, I swear._ _  
_ _  
_ _I_ knew _you didn’t break your arm scuba diving last month._ _  
_ _  
_ _Does this mean Bruce Wayne is Batman?_   
  
Instead, what comes out is, “Thank fucking _god.”_

**Author's Note:**

> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


End file.
